By Sara McDermott
I love to smoke, and at the same time, I desperately want to quit. It is April 2nd, 1973, and I am at my desk with a cup of hot black coffee steaming into my face as I take the first satisfying drag on a king-size Tarryton. I adore the acrid smell and taste of cigarette smoke. I can feel the smooth white cylinder nestled between my fingers as the nicotine sinks into the back of my tongue and calms my craving. A sharp pain stabs my ribs, and I look around to make sure no-one sees my grimace of discomfort.
My friend is in back of me moaning softly into her coffee. She’ll try to get me down there again today, but I can’t go. They show us pictures of gray lungs and tell us to bring our lunch. Northwestern Bell is sponsoring a five day “quit smoking” clinic.
God, I can’t stand it.
My friend has put the literature from the clinic here on my desk. It’s all the same old stuff. They teach breathing exercises for crying out loud. If I could breathe I wouldn’t be complaining.
It is one o’clock and there is more literature on my desk. I am silently screaming, “Leave me alone. I can’t do it”. But my friend can. She has gotten through almost two days of abstinence. If I had started when she did I’d be in my second day without a cigarette now.
My brain struggles with the love and hatred of smoking, and I get an idea. That first delicious cigarette as I drink coffee in the morning is the hardest to give up. The literature backs up my point. It says that coffee and cigarettes go together. Why not start now? Tomorrow morning when I pour the coffee I’ll have several hours of deprivation behind me. It might work. I put my cigarette out in a round safety ashtray that has resided on my desk for several years. I feel the gray depression almost immediately. What will I do without my nicotine?
Iowa is in the midst of its wettest Spring on record in 1973. Puffy, low-hanging clouds bulge with rain as I head for home. The streets are so full it makes the six o’clock news. I watch TV and fidget through the supper hour; then I go to bed early. There doesn’t seem to be anything to do if I can’t have a cigarette.
It is 7:30 a.m. on April, 3rd, and my ploy has worked. I am on my way to work, and I haven’t had a cigarette yet. Nevertheless, as another soggy day begins, the thought of nicotine dominates my brain. I smell the heavenly scent of burning tobacco every time someone else lights up, but I remain strong. If I can get through a month of these depressing days I will chalk it up as a victory.
The storms continue daily and the Des Moines Register runs articles about the record number of rainy week-ends.
By April 8th a light snow is falling as I leave for work. Trudging up 10th St. from the bus drop-off I reflect on my six days without caffeine. Sugarless gum and coffee can save me from the urge to eat, long walks around my neighborhood can wear out the jitters when the craving taunts me, but the bleakness of another work day without my crutch follows me into the building and all the way to my desk.
People are griping about snow in April, but that is the least of my worries.
I plunge into my administrative work. There are lots of orders to type, phones are constantly ringing, complainers are complaining, and everyone is talking about the snow. I’m just sitting in the middle of it telling myself it is only about seven more hours until I can climb onto the bus and head for home.
By mid-afternoon I notice people crowded around our 14th floor windows gazing at snow that seems to be turning into a blizzard.
By five o’clock all the buses downtown have stopped where-ever they happened to be when the snow rose too high around the wheels to allow them to move. It slowly dawns on me that I won’t be able to find a way home when I hear that all the hotels are full and we won’t be able to leave the building. I go down to the lobby and see snow-mobiles cruising around the loop; nothing else can move.
If this sounds like a recipe for disaster for an ex-smoker of one week, believe it.
Food is available in the cafeteria, and a large break room with easy chairs and couches can provide a place to relax as I wait for morning. Coffee is available, of course, but you know what goes with coffee. After an hour or so I decide to go up to the cafeteria and find some way to pass the time. The first thing that hits me in the entryway is a row of cigarette machines. It is like the devil himself has lured me to the area. “Come on”, they seemed to say. “Just one to pass the time won’t hurt”. The time is stretching in front of me and I am tired and irritable. A smoke seems just the thing to get me through the night.
For the next several hours, as I fantasize about the smell and taste of cigarettes, I wonder when I will give in. Morning is so far away and sleep seems out of the question. How long will I last? Those machines are so close. I can get there in few minutes and my torture will be over.
At about midnight, when it seems I have gritted the fillings out of my teeth, a thought comes to me. You could call it an epiphany, I guess. I call it the moment in a cartoon when a light bulb appears above the character’s head. Hey, I’m Irish and the Irish are supposed to be stubborn almost by definition. Stereotypes aside, maybe my Irish stubbornness can be put to good use.
My attitude changes to one of stoic resistance. I am determined not to give in and let the monster win. If it defeats me, I know I will regret it for a long time. On the other hand, if I hold out I will be able to take private satisfaction in knowing I won the first real battle of the war.
The rest of the night I keep that thought in mind. “Don’t give in” becomes my mantra. If I can get through a few more hours knowing those cigarette machines are a short walk away it will be relatively easy to stay on course.
Irish stubbornness wins. By morning I am congratulating myself on another smokeless 24 hours. The snow has stopped and people are starting to head for home. I con a ride and, by noon, am cleaning up snow in front of my duplex.
The temptations don’t end there, of course. Many more times for the next few weeks I have to invoke my natural stubbornness to keep on track. I simply will not give in and light up.
It is May 1st and my desk calendar has cartoon face drawn on it. Sun rays are coming out of the happy face, and the figure is wearing a halo. The cartoon is supposed to be me. I have one month of smokeless days behind me.
It is June 1st. I belong to a new group now. We hate cigarette smoke. We love the taste of food. We are counting the blessings of giving up cigarettes. We are obnoxious and critical and proud. We are ex-smokers and are sure we will never touch the weed again.